Ponder.

I was reading blogs randomly.
I found one blog of this perfectionist.
She's pretty, cute, smart and the list goes on...

I read her blogpost talking about her results, her graduation, her future.
That make me ponder about mine.

I remember myself telling my friends who look down on me unable to pass STPM when I decided to go for form six instead of colleges or foundation.
I told them I'll prove to them I will definately do well in STPM.
I din manage to do that.
I failed all the way in every test I took.
Somehow I managed to pass STPM at the end, but not with flying colours, which disappointed alot of people.
I wasn't happy but I know I've never put in much effort in it.
I don't know what the fuck was wrong with me that I took STPM like a game.
Instead of studying real hard, I played real hard.
That's why I get sucky results.

I remember myself begging, persuading parents for more than a year, just so they let me study Mass Comm Broadcasting which is so not what I was majoring in form six.
I argured, I cried, I begged, I persuade, I promised.
I've tried so many things to get into the dream course.

I remember the bro telling me to work hard and hope that I can get a First Class Honour Degree.
But, look at my results now.
Last sem final results was like shit.
It's so not good at all that anyone is doing better than me.
I feel so not myself anymore.
I didn't take studies as my priority as I used to be.
All I do is complaining, bum around, anything but no focusing on studies.
People were saying that all these happen because I focus too much in my relationship.
Like wtf?!
I don't know what to tell these people but for sure I know this is not the main reason for everything that happen to my results.
Or should I say that I'm just plain lazy?

I DON'T KNOW.

I'm running away from responsible.
My responsible as a student.
And I hate myself being like this.
So irresponsible. So not me.

I should just get my butt started with the comm theory research.